I don’t know about any of you out there but right up until my subconscious whacked me in the face and said “you need to wear flannel and never sit right again” I had very few assumptions about my sexuality. I like everyone else thought love worked basically the one way; boy meets girl, girl likes boy, boy teases girl and eventually this equals love. It’s like we all had the one manual for love that was ages 5-10 before we got an upgraded one that I never bothered with. On an actual serious note sex education and just general information about sexuality that is not explicit has quite a lot of blame on their shoulders. I can quite honestly say all I learned from sex education was how not to get pregnant, which I didn’t even need to know as it turns out! I can’t imagine it being much more in depth for anyone else my age either! What about consent, dating,how to maintain a healthy sex life, respect or anything beyond telling young women not to get knocked up until society says “why haven’t you had a baby yet?”.
I digress, I’ve gone slightly off topic but it all links in with one another anyways (don’t pull that thread, it’s very loose and I’m very afraid of it). Like most young girls I had my crushes; Taylor Launtner, Shayne Ward, a boy with pretty eyelashes and shamefully Bieber. But I didn’t ever actually picture anything romantic happening with them, I might have used some to write something romantic-ish but I was still detached from these supposed crushes of mine. By the time I was fifteen everyone in my year had advanced well past me in terms of everything they don’t teach you in sex ed. Whereas I was about to start a complex journey of attraction that I really had not been expecting, I had picked up on absolutely no clues in the last fifteen years. I had taken obliviousness to a whole new level. Basically I was about to have a gay panic for the next year whilst I studied denial and confusion. It was an eventful time emotionally speaking. I came to the realisation that I was gay because of a girl (ten points if you guessed right). A girl that I desperately wanted to befriend that year and when I did I became so intrigued by her that I wanted to know every little thing about her and have that information all for myself, to steal all her laughs and cherish any physical interaction between us like a weirdo. I was having an actual proper attraction for the first time in my life, and I still hadn’t caught on. What an idiot. It took a dream for me to realise exactly what I’d been missing all my life, and no not one of those dreams. It was all perfectly innocent, most of it I couldn’t remember the next morning but what I did changed everything; in the dream I’d gotten to hold hands with the girl and I’d never been happier in my life. I’d literally been gay. When I woke up I was dazed and confused but I knew this hand holding had been more honestly wanted than any other faux romance in my entire life. I knew I liked the girl and I had no idea what this meant. Sure I’d watched Ellen and seen gay boys as side characters on screen but I’d also heard boys chant faggot in the streets and joke about getting it on with dykes so I wasn’t quite sure I was comfortable with the idea. Not to mention I wasn’t sure that I didn’t still like boys. I thought I was bi for many months while I was figuring it all out. I thought a lot of things for months, I even hated myself for a large majority of these months. Hated myself for being once again so different from everyone else, for changing everything in my life and for being something that could have its own slur it was so hated. Of course during all this I was also dealing with my actual crush and dying of awkwardness on the daily (my face has never been so red), plus actual school work, deciding what to do in college and also dealing with my ongoing insomnia, anxiety and panic attacks. I was a mess. But by the end of that school year with the help of some amazing friends and family I came out. I came out when I had finally accepted myself and I haven’t stopped since. I’m twenty years old now and I’ve never been so comfortable in my own skin or so me. Looking back it was obvious all along, but it was the journey I had to take to accept myself that really mattered in the end.
I wrote this half because I’m a budding writer who needs to keep writing to stay sharp but the other half is all compassion I promise. I wrote this for anyone else waking up confused and dazed, awkwardly trying to fit this information in with what you’ve been taught and what you thought you knew of yourself, for anyone else that’s alone and scared. For anyone that’s questioning, or for anyone trying to help someone they love. For anyone that hates themselves. I hope this gave those people a small bit of courage and a large piece of hope that it will all work out. You as you are have always been perfectly okay for this world.
Not My Roaring Twenties 